My husband and I have been married for the outrageously long period of three and a half years. This, of course, makes me an expert in the field. We've been talking lately about how much bunk there is out there surrounding marriage, and the heartache so many of these misconceptions cause. Here's our take on things.
7 Myths of a Happy Marriage
1. Getting married will solve all your problems.
Some people think that if your relationship is on the rocks that getting married will solidify the bond you have, thereby making you both happier. Uh-oh. Chances are, if there are serious issues in your relationship before your wedding, they're still going to be there afterwards. Marriage isn't a magic reset button that lets you start over and get things right a second time around. Marriage is a continuation of the habits, actions and interactions you shared before that walk down the isle. If your significant other and you had foundation-shattering arguments/jealousy issues/anger/control issues/financial problems before you became Mr and Mrs, those problems will still be there the morning after. Except now on top of those problems you're married to someone you may not really like.
2. Having kids will solve all your problems.
If I think about the time in my life that I was the most ornery, cantankerous and hormonal, it was while I was pregnant. I felt sick and tired and cried almost all the time. If we had had relationship troubles before this hormonal roller coaster, I don't know how keen we would've been to get back on the ride afterwards.
On top of the first nine months of potential strife, then you get to push a person out of you! Recovery from labour wasn't the most fun I've ever had in my life (dealing with two infections) and on top of that you can kiss a good night's sleep goodbye for quite a while. Evelyn is going on six months and has yet to sleep through the night. When you're sleep deprived and exhausted you aren't the most rational of human beings, and this can spell disaster for a relationship.
Don't get me wrong. Having our precious little (ADORABLE) baby girl has been the best thing of both of our lives. She is so smart and strong and funny and quirky and cute, I never thought I would be able to love someone as much as I love her. But it is a heck of a lot of work! Luckily I have probably the most patient husband ever invented, and that alone has gotten us around dozens of potential train wrecks.
The point is this: having kids, while the most incredible thing you can do, will not relieve stress, but mostly add it.
3. Love means never having to say, "I'm sorry."
What a crock. While this line from a movie has been ridiculed relentlessly, it nevertheless deserves a look-see. In reality, love means saying "I'm sorry" almost as often as you say "Gesundheit." What you're saying when you said "I'm sorry" is really "I value you as a person enough to admit when I'm wrong or upsetting you." And sometimes you say sorry even when you don't think you're in the wrong, because it just isn't worth it. Humility in a marriage is one of the most important traits to possess.
4. You have to fight in order to have a successful marriage.
My husband and I have never been in a fight. Before we got married we were standing in the hallway at our church talking to people, and someone said, "What? You haven't been in a fight? Uh-oh... How do you know how you will react to one when you have one? You guys should probably get in a fight." Brian and I kind of laughed and said "Oh... well you know..." Right after that person left one of our church leaders said, "That's sure a lie. My wife and I have been married 25 years and we've never gotten in a fight. Well, once we did, but it was completely my fault."
So there it is from the horse's mouth, folks. They have had a successful, happy marriage for longer than I've been alive and have had a total of one fight.
Some people say that unless you fight to hash things out, things will bottle up inside you until you either explode or completely resent the person you're married to. Also not true! In our marriage, if something is bothering one of us we simply bring it up to the other person and discuss it like rational adults. I need to make one of those little old-fashioned ecards with the caption... you know what? I will make one:
And do you know why no one has ever said that? Because yelling at someone does nothing but either make them mad or make them sad. Neither of which will solve anything.
5. Never go to bed angry.
While we have never been in a fight, that doesn't mean that we've never been upset at each other. (Okay, mostly I mean I've been upset at my husband. I could probably run over his childhood cat and he'd say he's sorry because I'm sad). But lots of times I'm either hungry or tired, and so I'm cranky. All I need is a nap or a good (enough) night's sleep and I feel a thousand times better.
If we stayed up and tried to hash out whatever was bothering me, I guarantee things would end poorly. Usually the next morning I wake up and realize, "Hey, I guess it isn't worth it to be upset about the way you chew your food. Sorry about that!" Or, if it is something that needs further discussion, having a cool-off always helps.
6. Your spouse should automatically know what's wrong without you having to explain things.
Husbands, unfortunately, are not mind readers. While this would be convenient, we have to make do with communicating to our spouses when things are bothering us. Brian knows me better than I know myself most of the time, but that doesn't mean that he knows when I am upset because of something that so-and-so said during the day while he was at work. A couple of times he has thought I was mad at him when really I was just really frustrated at my professor or stressed about an exam or now, that Evelyn had pooped and puked all over both of us and I'm just really tired. Being happily married means that we need to communicate all of our feelings to our spouse, and not expect them to just know why we're mad.
7. You need to have different interests in order to keep yourselves from going crazy.
My husband and I are very similar. When someone at my husband's work was asked to describe me he said, "...She's like a girl version of Brian." We like the same kinds of movies and TV shows, the same music, the same sports, the same books, the same video games, the same activities. And those things that we didn't like before we got married we've learned to like. Did Brian love spending an entire afternoon crafting when he was a single guy? Nah, but he enjoys it now because he enjoys spending time with me. Did I use to hang out and play Lego for a whole morning? Sure didn't, but I've learned to enjoy it through Brian's joy for it.
The point is this, people:
Love and respect each other, and you will be happy.
Also, think your spouse is the best.
